Where do we go from here?

i have been attempting to write this past, present, and future post since Valentine’s Day. Not quite sure why it is such a struggle more than a week later. It might be due to not wanting to admit the current reality of my feelings.

Past

My brain and obsession seem to interact oddly. $2k after stumbling upon MxE, the supply dried up which then turned into a $50k nitro binge for the year. After which, my brain needed a six month break. Then came a $20k alcohol binge which my brain burned out on after a year. my fascination with substances now seemingly complete with no real desire to touch them again.

Struggling with weight, missing a romantic lover, and general pandemic stress, i somehow found myself on Domina Shelle’s site in June 2020. i quickly found myself falling head over heels in crushy love after She claimed me as Her good girl.

Present

156 recordings later, i am a bit torn. Shelle Rivers is an incredible caring woman that i am honored to know even a little bit. i love calling Her Domina and being considered Her slave. i want to be consumed with an unquenchable sexual need to serve Her. To fall so deep into trance for Her that i am unaware of how She is improving my life until i notice the changes.

However, i am starting to notice the tell tale signs of wandering farther away. my brain seems to be on the verge of saying “well, that didn’t work… what’s next?”. i even struggled to fall into trance last night. I am not sure joining twitter helped. It is awesome to interact with other slaves of Domina Shelle’s. It however leaves me feeling guilty. Guilty that i am not as obsessed or affected as much by Her recordings as others. Guilty that the crushy-ness is wearing off despite not wanting it to.

Future

Assuming Domina Shelle does not disown me after reading this post, my heart deeply wants to be Hers. In a captivating Mercury orbit around Domina Shelle’s sun. No longer fighting to keep both feet in the car. No longer feeling like i am pretending to trance and obey. So completely held in Domina Shelle’s control that the door being open rather than locked shut is no longer a concern or even observed. i crave the thoughtless automatic obedience; the desperate sexual need to serve; the overwhelming desire to fulfill Domina’s every whim. Yet, no matter what i try, i cannot seem to find it.

Please Domina! i beg You. Don’t let me escape.
Please Domina! Help me become the more perfect slave that we both desire.